**********
The Secret to a Long Marriage
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treata her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all isa, I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go bringa her back."
*****
The Six Minute Managment Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
The Management Lesson:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got into his car and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand but then, changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and said to the priest, "Maybe it is the mind that is not so strong," and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129, which reads 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
The Management Lesson:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
The Management Lesson:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
The Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
The Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The fresh dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
The Management Lessons:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE SIX MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
**********
The Biggest Lie Ever...
"I have read and agree to the terms of use."
**********
Emotional Extremes
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
**********
Short and sweet
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A: el-if-i-no
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A Lickalotopus
Q: What's slimy and cold and smells like pork
A: Kermit the Frog's wanker.
Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they can't eat it!
Q: Why are men like cars?
A: Because they pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
Q. Why don't blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog.
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass
Q: What do you call a woman with one leg?
A: Ilene
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Right where you left it.
Q: What do cows do for entertainment?
A: They rent moovies !
Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
A: Dam!
Q: What do have if you have a deer with no eyes ?
A: You have no I-Deer
Q: What is the difference between and desperate woman and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it!
Q: Where does the one legged waitress work?
A: IHOP.
Q: Why is bungee jumping like getting a blowjob from an 80-year-old woman.
A: It feels great but for God's sake don't look down.
Q: What happened to the Chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
A: He broke his nose.
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife is more than willing to blow your bonus!
**********
The Big Bad Wolf
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a gun, pointed it right at him and said,
"No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
**********
Ants in your pants
Two ants are living in a girl's pair of panties.
One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour. One ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants left their caves and got back together.
One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeewww!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.
"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?"
"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head-butting me and then spit up all over me."
**********
Weight loss
An overweight guy was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, I can have you!"
**********
The genie
An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy and notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter. It is easily a foot long.
The American says, "Wow! Cool lighter! Where did you get it?"
The English guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".
"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"
"Sure", Says the Englishman.
The American rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" says the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
Immediately a million ducks come waddling into the bar.
The American says, "I don't believe this. I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks. Is this genie hard of hearing or what?"
The Englishman says "Well, do you really think I wished for a 12 inch BIC?"
**********
Headache
There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.
No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."
The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.
On his way home he walks past a tailor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"
Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."
"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.
"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"
"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."
"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.
"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"
"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.
"36" said the shopkeeper.
"Nope 34" replied the man.
To which the shopkeeper exclaimed
"Impossible a size 34 would squish your testicles against your spine and give you an awful headache".
**********
Don't lie
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their incredibly ugly women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you end up with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the gorgeous woman by his side and says, "Tell them."
She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
**********
Home for lunch
At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".
The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are NOT African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."
**********
Matt
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"
"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."
"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied,.....
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?
**********
Sperm bank
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "But, they're sperm samples!"
"DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it down.
"That one there, drink that one as well."
So the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,
"See honey - it's not that hard."
**********
Women
Q: What do you call the useless extra skin around a vagina?
A: A woman.
Q: How are women and tornadoes alike?
A: They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
**********
Blond jokes...
A blonde goes into a dry cleaners and quietly asks to have her sweater cleaned.
The laundromat attendant didn't hear her correctly so he says, "Come again?"
The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "Oh, no. It's just mustard."
**********
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: An Ironing boards legs are harder to get open.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
A: They both been laid all over the place.
Q: What does a blonde and a screen door have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Q: What goes blonde, brunette blonde, brunette....
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.
Q: Why do blondes have a hard time getting pregnant?
A: Becuase they blow it each time.
Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following "Fun. Fun. Fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun Period Fun Period Fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry.
Q: How does a blonde have safe sex?
A: She locks the car door.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you after you use it.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde playing football?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: How is a blonde like a cajun skillet?
A: You have to get them really hot before you put in your meat.
Q: What does an Jumbo 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: They both have big cockpits.
Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock, and shes ready to blow.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: When you slap the mosquito it stops sucking.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: Are you sure it's mine?"
**********
When you rearrange the letters...
GEORGE BUSH ---> HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY ---> DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST ---> EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN ---> BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION ---> A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE ---> HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES ---> CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY ---> IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW ---> WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS ---> ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT ---> I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES ---> THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO ---> TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the! Grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA --->
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
**********
Let's offend everyone...
Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Doughnuts.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: You only worry about it when you're not getting any.
Q: What do you have when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: One hundred people who don't do dick.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.....
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying "Yo."
Q: What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"!
Thu, August 5, 2010 | link
Did you hear that?
An old couple were sitting in church. During the service the wife whispered to her husband "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?
"Put a battery in your hearing aid!"
**********
For Sale
Complete set of encyclopedias. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. NO longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
**********
Brothel
A man goes into a brothel in Amsterdam and asks the madam for the fattest woman with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out old fireplace, the madam says "Feeling kinky sir?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm homesick" !
**********
Where does that come from?
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex."
The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby to appear."
The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?"
"That's how you make jewelry appear."
**********
A dog's life
Why it’s nice to be a dog…
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap.
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.
**********
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Here are some headlines that probably shouldn't be taken literally...
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
**********
Celebrity jokes
Q. Why do Mike Tyson's eye's water during sex?
A. Mace
Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn't, she eats out!
Q. What was the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!
Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.
Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.
Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.
A. One couldn't come clean and the other one couldn't clean cum.
Q. How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?
A. The President after Bush
Q. What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
A. The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Q. What do you get when you cross Pam Anderson with Santa Claus?
A. A thank you from Santa!
Q. Did you see Dolly Parton's new shoes?
A. Neither did she.
**********
Lawyer Jokes
Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?
Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A. Jewelry.
**********
The gay man's mom
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!
Tue, August 3, 2010 | link
Maria
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
**********
Statues
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"
**********
Like a balloon
A little boy walks into his parents room and sees his mom bouncing up and down on top of his dad.
Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worrying about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asks his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
**********
Milk Bath
Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.
Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"
Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."
**********
More Blonde Jokes
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Fourth grade.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.
Q: Why didn't the blonde purchase an AM radio?
A: She wanted to listen to it at night.
Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.
**********
Thirsty vampires
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
**********
Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
**********
Getting some
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
**********
Elbow problems
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than any doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tendonitis in your elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To try to confuse the computer, he jerked off into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better."
Definitions
Absence - Something that makes the heart go wander.
Advice - Information for which lawyers and psychiatrists charge high fees, but your mother-in-law gives to you all the time for free.
Alimony -
(1) A contraction of the phrase: "All his money".
(2) The fee a woman charges for name dropping.
Apology - The only way a man can get in the last word.
Bachelor -
(1) A rolling stone that gathers no boss.
(2) A guy who stays away from women with bride ideas.
(3) A man who can come to his office each morning from a different direction.
(4) One who firmly believes in the unalienable rights of life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit.
(5) A man who enjoys wine, women and so-long.
Bachelor Party - An event where the prospective groom has the kind of wonderful time he could have every night if he wasn't going to get married.
Balanced Marriage - Half the time she does what she wants and the other half of the time he does what she wants.
Best Man - The one who ISN'T getting married.
Bigamist - A man who made the same mistake twice.
Bigamy -
(1) The same as monagamy - having one wife too many.
(2) A crime punishable by having two mothers-in-law.
(3) A situations where two rites make a wrong.
Brat - a kid who behaves just like your child, but belongs to your neighbor.
Bride - A woman about to exchange the attentions of a lot of men for the inattention of one.
Budget - a family's organized system of living beyond their means.
Career Woman - A woman who goes to work to earn a man's salary instead of staying at home and taking it away from him.
Child Economics - The law of Demand and Supply.
Children -
(1) Human gimmee pigs.
(2) Young people who cause their father to get more grey and their mom to become more blonde.
(3) Natural mimics who behave like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Christmas - That time of the year when husbands and wives exchange sensible gifts (like diamond jewelry and neckties).
Common-law Marriage - A couple living in unholy bedlock.
Conservative - A man with a good wife, several kids and a big mortgage.
Considerate Wife - One who always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Cosmetics - Preparations used by a woman to keep men from reading between the lines.
Cougar - An older woman looking to acquire some new he-quipment.
Courage - Marrying a twice-widowed woman.
Courtship -
(1) The period of time when a woman is trying to decide if she can get someone better.
(2) When a man murmers that he isn't good enough for the woman, and she concurs.
Cupid - a well-known marksman with an arrow, who is successful when he Mrs.
Decision - What a man makes when he chooses to get married - and it's the last one he will be allowed to make on his own.
Delinquents - Children who act like their parents.
Dependable Husband - One who sends the alimony checks in on time.
Diamond - A stepping stone to marriage.
Diplomat - a man who remembers his wife's birthdays but forgets her age.
Disillusioned Husband - One who married a woman for her looks, just not the kind he's getting now.
Distant Relative - the most desirable kind to have - the farther the better.
Divorce Lawyer - One who is paid thousands of dollars to untie a knot that a clergyman tied for a lot less.
Don't - The best advice to give to a man who is trying to win an argument with his wife.
Eating - One of the few means by which a man may open his mouth without being wrong.
Eating Out - A technique used by many wives to ensure that their kitchen remains spotless.
Engagement - The one time when a woman does not mind being placed in solitaire confinement.
Evolution - The theory that man descended from apes. Many people do not believe this theory until they meet their in-laws.
Exhibitionist - A girl who is wearing an engagement ring for the first time.
Faithful Husband - A former night owl who has become a homing pigeon.
Family Man - One who has several snapshots in his wallet where money used to be.
Father - One for whom the bills toll.
Freedom - The personal liberty which enables a man to do just whatever pleases his wife.
Freethinker - Any man who is not married.
Golddigger -
(1) A woman who is seeking a Cashanova.
(2) A woman seeking someone to spend with the rest of her life.
Gigolo -
(1) A man who thinks women owe him a loving.
(2) A well-kept fee-male.
Girl - A young female who is eager to grow up and wear the kind of shoes that are killing her mother's feet.
Grandparents - people who come to your house and spoil your children.
Happy Marriage - A duet that makes sweet music when the man learns how to play second fiddle.
His - A pronoun meaning "hers".
Honeymoon -
(1) The vacation a man takes before going to work for a new boss.
(2) The period that soon ends when the husband stops helping his wife with the dishes and does them by himself.
Housewarming - The last call for wedding presents.
Hug - A roundabout way of showing your affection for someone.
Husband -
(1) One who can make his wife do anything she wants.
(2) A man who can always tell what kind of a time he's having at a party by the look on his wife's face.
(3) One who knows how to stop that irritating noise in the car by letting his wife drive.
(4) One who boasts that he runs the show in his home, but fails to mention that it is his wife who writes the script.
(5) One who came, saw and concurred.
Hypochondriac - One whose life is a constant bed of neuroses and just can't seem to leave well enough alone.
Illegitimate Child - A sinfant.
Insanity - A mental derangement which is not only grounds for annulment, but frequently the cause for marriage in the first place.
Intuition -
(1) A wife's ability to read between her husband's lyin's.
(2) The quality that enables your wife to put two and two together and come up with any answer that suits her.
(3) The ability of a woman to contradict her husband before he has a chance to say anything.
Kept Man - One who is living off the sweat of his frau.
Lasting Marriage - One in which the husband likes his wife better than he likes anyone else's.
Little Rock - The state capitol that many women think of when they look at their engagement ring.
Love - Softening of the hearteries.
Love Triangle - A three-sided affair that often ends up causing a wrecktangle.
Luxury - Anything that a husband needs.
Lying - A practice of husbands which could be cut down considerably if wives asked fewer questions.
Man -
(1) Someone who has only two periods in their life when they don't understand women: Before marriage and after.
(2) One who doesn't know the meaning of bliss until he gets married, and then it's too late.
Man of the Hour - Any man whose wife asks him to "Wait just a couple of minutes".
Marriage -
(1) A word that isn't really a word, but a sentence.
(2) An agreement on the part of a chump to pay a woman's board and lodging bills for life.
(3) The only life sentence that can be suspended due to bad behaviour.
(4) An institution where a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman receives her master's.
(5) The world's best fire extinguisher.
(6) An agreement entered into for better or for wars.
(7) An event to which women aspire and men submit.
(8) A 50/50 proposition (Too bad most women don't understand fractions).
(9) The only union which permits men to work unlimited overtime without extra pay.
(10) A ceremony in which the ring is put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the man.
(11) Where a man takes a wife to take care of him so he can be strong enough for her to lean on.
(12) A time-honored institution that is almost like being in love.
Marriage License -
(1) A hunting permit that entitles you to take only one dear at a time.
(2) A noosepaper.
Marriage Proposal - Words that a woman can listen to faster than a man can speak them.
Marriage Vows - The solemn promise that is usually broken when spoken clearly: "Until debt do us part".
Married Life - Something that most men try to avoid (including the husbands).
Maternity Dress -
(1) A space suit.
(2) A magical article of clothing that makes the heir unapparent.
Memory - The mental faculty which reminds a man that his wedding anniversary was the week before.
Middle age - That age when you begin to notice your middle.
Mink Coat - Something you give your wife to keep her warm (and quiet).
Mistake - The type of woman most men meet, as contrasted with misgiving.
Mixed Emotions - Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new sports car.
Monagamy - the same as bigamy, which is having one wife too many.
Monologue - A conversation between a husband and wife.
Mother - A woman whose life is disorganized around her children.
Mother's Day - Nine months after Father's Day.
Mother-in-law -
(1) Another mouth to heed.
(2) A woman who thinks that a good investment involves putting in her two cents.
Mysteries -
(1) Why it takes modern women as much time to get dressed as it did years ago when they wore clothes.
(2) What women found attractive about older men before money was invented.
(3) Why love at first sight is considered to be remarkable - It's when a couple can look at each other for years that it becomes remarkable.
(4) When two wives get together, who gets the last word?
Needle - Something that is easier to find in a haystack than in a modern woman's hand.
No-tell Motel - A place for people who believe in affair play.
Old Maid - A woman whose father never owned a shotgun.
Optimist -
(1) A man who marries his secretary thinking that he will be able to continue to dictate to her.
(2) A man who expects his wife not to laugh when he fills out his tax forms and claims to the IRS that he is the head of the household.
Oral Contraceptive - The most effective form of contraception - "NO".
Parents - A name for people who practice the rhythm method of birth control.
Passion - The only fire for which there is no insurance.
Perfect Wife - A beautiful, wealthy, passionate, deaf-mute, orphan who owns a brewery.
Pleasure Trip - Driving your mother-in-law back home.
Relaxation - The brief rest a man gets while his wife is thinking up something else for him to do.
Romance - The only sport in which the animal that gets caught has to buy the license.
Second Marriage -
(1) A triumph of hope over experience.
(2) One which may give a person a new louse on life.
Shotgun Wedding - A case of wife or death.
Shrew -
(1) A woman who hisses instead of kisses.
(2) A woman who handpicks her man before marriage, and henpecks him afterwards.
Small Town - The type of place where, if you see a young girl dancing with a man old enough to be her father, she is.
Smile - Something that adds to your face value.
Smugness - The feeling a woman experiences when she sees a double chin on her husband's old girlfriend.
Snoring - Sheet music.
Stork - A bird that is often blamed for something that was caused by a lark.
Suburbanite - A man who hires someone to mow his lawn so he can go play golf for exercise.
Successful Marriage - One in which the couple get married and live happily even after.
Summer Camp - A place where children go for their parents' vacation.
Television - Proof that some married people would rather look at anything but each other.
Tender - Something a wife adores from her husband - especially if it is legal tender.
Trade Relations - Something a lot of married people would like to do.
Unwed Mother - a girl who surrendered to a boyological urge.
Wedding - A ceremony where a man places a ring on a woman's finger and places himself under her thumb.
Wedding Ring -
(1) A one-man band
(2) A tourniquet designed to stop a man's circulation.
Widow - One of the few women who always knows where her husband is.
Widower - One of the few men who has an angel for a wife.
Wife -
(1) A woman who wonders why her husband can't show as much patience at home as when he is waiting for a fish to bite.
(2) One who likes the simple things in life - like her husband.
Woman -
(1) A person who waits for the right man to come along but, in the meantime, gets married.
(2) The weeper sex.
(3) A person who says "We were made for each other" while she is already planning alterations.
(4) One who finds it easier to make up her face than her mind.
Woman-Hater - A man on a miss-shun in life.
World's Luckiest Man - Adam - He lived in paradise, his wife was always practically naked and he didn't have a mother-in-law.
Yawn - One way for a man to open his mouth and not be wrong.
Yes - The correct answer to any woman's request.
Sat, July 31, 2010 | link
Friday, July 30, 2010
Personal ads
We've all seen personal ads and the abbreviations that are commonly used...
DWM ISO DTE, VGL, SWF for LTR. NS ANI ALA WTT
which means...
DWM - Divorced White Male
ISO - In Search Of
DTE - Down To Earth
VGL - Very Good Looking
SWF - Single White Female
LTR - Long Term Relationship
NS - Non-Smoker
ANI - Age Not Important
ALA - All Letters Answered
WTT - Willing To Travel
Here are some of my favorites...
NTW - No Time Wasters
OHAC - Own House And Car
PA - Photo Appreciated
BHM - Big Handsome Man
NUMP - No Ugly Men Please
SPARK - Single Parent Raising Kids
NLP - No Losers Please
YMMV - Your Mileage May Vary
LJBF - Let's Just Be Friends
We've all heard of Yuppies...
YUPPIES - Young Urban Professionals
and also...
BUPPIES - Black Urban Professionals
GUPPIES - Gay Urban Professionals
But, have you heard of...
PIPPIES - People Inheriting Parents' Property
WOOPIES - Well Off Older People
GOLDIES - Golden Oldies Living Dangerously
SITCOM - Single Income Two Children Outrageous Mortgage
DINK - Dual Income No Kids
OINK - One Income No Kids
SINK - Single Independent No Kids
SILK - Single Income Loads of Kids
BOBO - Burnt Out But Opulent
NIMBY - Not In My Back Yard
SINBAD - Single Income No Boyfriend Absolutely Desperate
DUMP - Destitute Unemployed Mature Professional
SCUM - Self-Centered Urban Male
LOMBARD - Lots Of Money But A Real Dickhead
Fri, July 30, 2010 | link
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Brain transplant
A number of concerned relatives gathered in the waiting room of the hospital, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to try to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used."
Thu, July 29, 2010 | link
The blackboard
One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters.
She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.
The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day. Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Thu, July 29, 2010 | link
Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:
Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
The remaining 85% say they don't care.
He's a good man and they love him anyway.
Thu, July 29, 2010 | link
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Generous man
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
She noticed that the woman was wearing clothes that belonged to the wife. She couldn't believe her eyes. Surprised and furious, she screamed at her husband: "You disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you... I want a divorce right away!"
Obviously caught with his pants down, the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute. At least let me tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you will ever say to me!"
So the husband began --
"Well, I was getting into my car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because you said that they aren't in good taste.
Then I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just so you can annoy her, and I also gave her those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has the same pair."
The husband took a quick breath and continued...
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,"
"Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
Wed, July 28, 2010 | link
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
What's Your Name?
A beautiful woman arrived at a party and while she was looking around the room, she spotted an attractive man standing all alone. She approached him and introduced herself by saying, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No." she replied. "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the two things that I enjoy the most in life - cars and men!
"Wow! That's an amazing coincidence," exclaimed the man. "I did exactly the same thing with my name!"
"Really? What's your name?
B.J. Titsngolf.
Tue, July 27, 2010 | link
Diarrhea
Q: Did you know that diarrhea is an inherited disease?
A: Yeah. It runs in your jeans.
Tue, July 27, 2010 | link
Monday, July 26, 2010
World War III
President George W. Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney were drinking in a pub in Georgetown when a guy walks in, notices them and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over to the President and VP and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning World War III."
The guy is sort of shocked and says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Cheney says, "Well, this time, we're going to kill 40 million Iranians and one blonde with big tits."
A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Cheney turns to Bush, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iranians."
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Two girls on a bike
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the rough and bumpy back streets of Amsterdam late one evening.
As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Blondes
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared his problem right up.
The blonde got a confused look on her face and asked the brunette,
"How do you give shoulders?"
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Lawyers
Q: What is the name of the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: Sosumi.
Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't fit your finger between the rope and his neck.
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Buying shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight, replied the man.
The clerk promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
'Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Satan
The Devil walks into a crowded bar.
When the people see who it is, they all run out except this one old man.
So the devil walks up to him and says "Do you know who I am?"
The old man sips his beer and answers "Yup".
The Devil says "Well,why aren't you afraid of me?"
The old man looks over at the Devil and says, "I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you?"
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Chess
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?," they asked.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Q & A
Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Q. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A. Quarter-pounder with cheese.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: How do you turn regular water into holy water?
A: You boil the Hell out of it.
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
Q: What did one sick casket say to the other sick casket?
A: Was that you coffin'?
Q. What do you call a greyhound with no hind legs and steel balls?
A. Sparky!
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
The Bishop said...
The good brothers at the local monastery decided to open a locksmith shop.
It was very successful and kept them quite busy, to the point where they began to neglect their spiritual duties.
When the Bishop got wind of their activities and the problems it was causing, he was quite upset, and quickly sent them the following edict:
Cut out the monk key business!
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Ouch!
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small penis, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
What do you call?...
Q: What do you call a Mexican woman with really short legs?
A: Cuntswaylow.
Q: What do you call a guy who is half Native American and half Chinese?
A: Ug Lee
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Gays
Q: Did you know that most gays are born that way?
A: Yeah, but some of them are sucked into it.
Q. What do you call two Irish homosexuals?
A. Gerald Fitz-Patrick and Patrick Fitz-Gerald.
Q: Why did the authorities shut down the lesbian bar?
A: They lost their licker license.
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Trouble
An extremely precocious nine-year-old boy walked into the local neighborhood bar and yelled loudly to the waitress to bring him a Scotch on the rocks.
"What?" she replied. "What are you trying to do, get me in trouble?"
"Maybe later," replied the boy, "but first I'd like that drink."
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Tiny headed man
Two friends were walking on the beach one day when they saw a peculiar-looking man coming towards them. The stranger had an extraordinarily small head in comparison to the rest of his body.
"Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude, but---" began the first friend.
"I know what you are going to ask me, and it's okay. I don't mind telling about it, because it was my own stupid fault," replied the stranger.
"One summer day, very much like today, I was walking along this very same beach. In the sand I saw a very old looking bottle with a cork in it. Being terribly curious, I unplugged it. Sure enough, out comes this gorgeous, naked genie. She was the sexiest, hottest looking woman I ever saw. She said that she would grant me any wish I desired.
"What did you ask for?"
I said, "How's about a little head?"
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Boston Bean Soup
Mrs. McDaniels was known all throughout the greater Boston area for her fantastic Boston Bean soup. When someone asked here for her secret recipe, she replied that she was sure to only use 239 beans.
"Why only 239?"
"Because one more would make it too farty."
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Snickers
There was a radio program broadcast years ago during which members of the studio audience were asked questions and those with the best answers would win a box of Snickers bars.
One evening during the live broadcast, the master of ceremonies started talking to a newlywed couple. The wife was obviously very shy and quite soft-spoken. The master of ceremonies leaned over and politely asked her, "What was the first thing you said on your honeymoon?"
A bit flustered, she responded, "Oh, I can't, that's hard."
"Give this lady a box of Snickers!"
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
The Chosen People
Moses is up on Mt. Sinai having a conversation with God, when all of a sudden he becomes very upset. With his face all flushed and his chest heaving wildly, Moses turns to God and says in disbelief...
"Now let me get this straight: We're supposed to be 'The Chosen People' and You want us to cut off the tips of our whats?"
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
The Pearly Gates
A black man died and started ascending towards heaven. In front of him, the pathway through the clouds split, and there was a sign with two arrows. Under one arrow it said "Straight to Heaven". Under the other arrow it said "This way to Purgatory". The man decided to follow the path marked "Straight to Heaven".
As he strolled up to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter approached him and said, "Just a minute! You have to have done something pretty special to go straight to Heaven. What have you done?"
Well, I married a white woman on the courthouse steps in Mobile, Alabama," the black man proudly replied.
"That is pretty special," agreed St. Peter. "When did you do that?"
"Oh, about three minutes ago."
Mon, July 26, 2010 | link
Superman
Superman is on his way to a large reunion of superheroes being held in Miami Beach. He arrives two hours late, his clothes are a mess and he has definitely been in a fight. As he approaches his table, his good friend Batman yells: "Hey! Man of Steel, what happened to you?"
"Well, this is going to sound crazy, but I was zipping along the coastline, making great time, when suddenly I looked down and there, lying on the beach, is Wonder Woman - naked!"
Wow!" said Robin. "What did you do?"
"What do you think I did, kid? Her legs were spread, so I dove in like an eagle!"
"Boy, I bet she was surprised," said The Incredible Hulk.
"Yeah, but not half as surprised as The Invisible Man was!"
